Enlightened or crazy?

I’m leaving Kasar Devi tomorrow, or today depending on when I get round to putting this up. In all fairness it could actually turn out to be that I left Kasar Devi yesterday, or maybe even a few days ago. I know what I am capable of so shall promise nothing. All I know for certain is that it’s Sunday night and I’m writing this with the intention of leaving on the six o’clock bus tomorrow evening.

It has been interesting. For those who’ve never been here I’ve already described the place but I would like to mention one particular thing again; the energy. Kasar Devi has energy, lots of it and you can feel it. It is powerful. A baba told me you either leave this place enlightened or crazy such is it’s power. Now I embraced this energy, but I don’t think I was ready for it. I didn’t give it respect and it came down hard on me.

I’m going to give you an insight into the workings of my brain.

I thought I was on the road to enlightenment. Everything was happening for a reason; everybody I met, every action I made, every route I took, everything, EVERYTHING. And I was analysing all that came before me and spending far too much time in my head thinking about why something happened or for what reason, and how it benefitted me, or how I could make it benefit me, and so on and so on, and there were signs and I tried to follow them and I was doing alright, and with the help of the universe guiding me; I was on the right path. Everything was good.

After a little while I came to the conclusion that it’s not just about reading the signs, but about feeling them too, and then I realised that what you’re feeling is your heart. Trust your heart, it understands you a lot more than you do, especially more than your head does, and it will lead you into some far more interesting places.

I went with my heart and I liked what it showed me, but then there was one thing I was ignoring, and that was what my heart was telling me about smoking and continuing to smoke. I had been smoking a lot these last few months and it had been great, but my heart was telling me to stop. I kept on coming up with excuses, or compromises I knew I would never stick to but I just didn’t want to stop smoking even though deep down that was exactly what I knew I wanted.

After about a week here I was sick. I hadn’t even smoked a lot but I was sick; I puked. Very rarely am I sick. I could probably recount ninety percent of the times in my life I have been. I realise now I had smoked too much over this time and my body simply couldn’t take it.

The thing was; it was as if a lot of negative energy had come up. It wasn’t just too much smoke induced dal in that toilet but a pile of negative crap my body had finally got rid of. For the next three days I didn’t smoke and didn’t want to. I felt good and I had the energy and the drive to go with it. But I’m weak, and in my weakness I invariably came to the conclusion not smoking while travelling, and especially through India, was just not feasible. So I was going to smoke in moderation. I did , for the next week or two that’s exactly how I smoked. Then I had an idea. As it grows wild here, like is natural, I decided if I wasn’t going to smoke it I should at least try to consume it another way.

I made a lot of tea and the other day after a little experimenting, my Swedish neighbour, Peter, came across with a little concoction he had made up. We drank and he was stoned but not too bad, but me, I was fucked. I actually went mad, I experienced insanity for an hour or so before I eventually succeeded in passing out. I was taken to the brink of madness and back again. It was like a bad trip but worse, I have never experienced anything like it. I saw everything in clarity. I saw how me being sick was Kasar Devi and it’s energy helping get all this badness out of me but by continuing to smoke I had simply fucked it in the arse. I’d embraced the energy but not respected it. I was going to be enlightened, but now nothing more than crazy, and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. I had fucked up and I had to live with it. I had everything and I had lost it all and I had nobody to blame but myself. That’s what was going through my mind but at an intensity my words could not do justice.

On an amusing note though I did come to the conclusion my neighbour Alexa was an actual angel when she bought me a cup of tea, but after drinking half decided she was in fact a witch trying to poison me so refused the rest.

All in all it was the worst moment of my life, and I woke up depressed, really really depressed. I’ve never actually felt real depression before and this was too much. I still had the same thoughts from the night before and they had been in such clarity and so well thought out that there was an answer to every happy thing I tried to convince myself. It was so bad that for the first time in my life suicide became a genuine option. I had fucked everything up and now I had to deal with the fact nothing would be the same. I wasn’t going to find enlightenment, or be enlightened or even live a happy life, this was just the first step into the crazy; the start of the downward spiral.

It was a horrible day and this morning, the next day, didn’t feel much better. I decided to go for a walk down into the valley as I had heard there was a nice waterfall somewhere down there. After about an hour of fucking around trying to convince myself if I follow my heart I’ll find it, but in fact just getting lost and being inside my head too much, I actually stumbled upon a little waterfall. I stripped off desnudo and tied my headscarf around my head in classic Deer Hunter / Platoon mad man style before climbing some wet, slippy and dangerous rocks, and sitting under the little waterfall. It was great, and I screamed and shouted a little and let it all out. I then went and sat on a nearby rock and lay in the sun before falling asleep for an hour. There was one thing which struck me though as important. There was something a little different about my screams and laughter, and it wasn’t just because I was climbing rocks in true naked mad man style, but I could feel a bit of the crazy in there, as if a little had grabbed hold and wasn’t going to let go. I don’t know what it means and am aware I could even have been imagining it, but one thing I do know is I felt good afterwards and it brought me out of my depressed slumber.

I don’t know what the future holds. I’m not on the path to enlightenment anymore and I really struggled to cope with that for a day and a half, and still am a little sad about that fact, but now I’m onto something else. That something may be insanity but equally it may not be. My future is going to be different to what I had spent the last year imagining it would be. It took a bit of nudity and falling water to realise different doesn’t have to be a bad thing though. Whatever I make of it, and I will make something of it, it’ll be fun and interesting. One thing I do know for sure though is I’ve had enough of the smoking. I’ve reached my limit and I won’t risk experiencing thoughts like that again, enough is enough, it’s about time I started really listening to my heart. And although it might be a laugh, it’s probably best if I don’t feed the insanity further. Crazy or enlightened? Either way; I’m not leaving this place the same person who arrived

Stop Press

I hope in future to be able to inflict my own poetry upon you. Of course that would mean I actually have to write some first, but for now I thought it could be fun to inflict someone else’s first. So in honour of someone I would hope I can call my dear friend, this is his word....I hope you find this both enjoyable and rewarding, and please; try not to over think it

Stop Press

Everything means something,

Or nothing means everything.

Anything is not nothing;

So something means everything.

There can only be one

Everything, omitting nothing,

So, everything means something!

If nothing meant anything

Then who cares?

But we all care

So everything means something.

Take care for all, equally

None is lesser or greater,

All is part of one,

One is all there is.

None is superior or inferior

Take care, everything is all, right?

Neil R. Wall

He's the retired Zeus on the left if you're curious

I found her

And on the Seventh Day; William found his place.

I am in Kasar Devi; a small scattered community of homes, guesthouses and mini shops on the edge of an utterly picturesque valley beside a Hindu temple and a Buddhist monastery. Everything here is slow and shanti. The people here seem happy and content with life. They take pride in their beautiful home and take measures to keep it that way. A boy told me in the internet shop in Almora that there are three energy centres on earth; Kasar Devi being one of them, I’ll let you find out the other two on your own.

This is only my third day here so I am still discovering what this place has in store for me. Much to my amusement though; I have discovered that a daily battle ensues between man and monkey. The monkeys sneak in en-mass with the aim of causing nuisance and maybe getting a quick snack at the same time. Man, woman and child, with the help of loud noises, similar to that of a hoarse dog crossed with an angry monkey, and badly aimed stones, are immediately onto them and their games, chasing them off before the next wave of attack. A spectacle which would bring a chuckle to even the most morose, but which brings on fits of laughter to the rest of us.

It is the type of place where after having to walk around with something on my feet for my first six days in India, I got to go bare again, and get to go bare all the time. It is a place where you leave the numerous insects in your room in peace as you really understand that they were here before you and that you’re the guest in their home. You’re surrounded by such nature here that children don’t go out after dusk as they risk being carried away by leopards. It is even the type of place where you are undercharged for biscuits.

On the flip-side though Kasar Devi is also unfortunately the type of place which in five years will have become, after it’s first real Lonely Planet plug, overrun by tourists but is at present perfect. Two dozen tourists at the very most forming a lovely little community alongside the locals in a beautiful peaceful place; where I immediately felt at home and have continued to do so since.

After a curious incident involving the choice of a book and a song playing in the background; I discovered you don’t always get what you want but you do get what you need. Well I can see that this place is exactly what I need but also a glimpse of possibly what I ultimately want too



Two images of the view from my balcony or landing or whatever you call the place I sit out on most days



Nepal, and all the fun that comes with it

As I’ve already mentioned I’m in India, and despite my lack of news or updates I’m sure you’re also aware that I was previously in Nepal for two months. I can’t remember everything as I am, despite my best efforts, only human, but what I can remember I would like to share with you. I would also like to give you my opinions on travel as I value my own self-importance and my opinion is therefore not only correct but of great importance.

·         I met some beautiful people, inside and out, who I feel I got a lot from. For me people are the source of all knowledge, and even if you doubt yourself I assure you; you have something to share. These are special people, and whether it was the person acting as my didi, my Mayan challenge, my chillum partner, the mandala master living next door, the Columbian Baba who has shown me the way or the Turkish gypsy who showed me it’s not too late to learn the most beautiful instrument there is; I want you to know you were good people to meet and I love you all.

·         I enjoyed mushrooms, of the fun variety, up a hill with a moorchild and his magic pipe. It was during this I truly connected with the ants and then I discovered heaven is up a tree, up a hill overlooking a beautiful lake and a valley, where birds having made themselves little cotton cloud nests, sit all day playing the harp and frolicking with angels

·         Another time after a few mushrooms I realised drugs simply confirm everything to me that I already know. A nice moment of realisation.

·         I’ve sat next to a dirty old German taking photographs of porn in an internet shop, evidently saving them for later. The google search being ‘monica belluci cunt’, straight to the point, very efficient; good German.

·         I learnt how to ride, and only crashed a little, a scooter. I then went on a four hour ketamine inspired road trip in search of more ketamine. This was unsuccessful but I realised after about five minutes that the ket wasn’t important and that my enjoyment at riding a bike was the only thing I now had on my mind; it was well worth the seven pound in damages I had to fork out. I now want an Enfield as despite my best Dennis Hopper, RIP, impression I just didn’t look quite as cool as I would have liked or thought I did at the time.

·         Back to the ants, I love those little fuckers. While at a little late night jam session I watched an ant, almost hypnotically, running in circles around a candle and doing this until it finally burnt out maybe an hour and a half later. I’m not entirely sure who is more simple, the ant for running in circles or me for spending an hour and a half engrossed in its movements. I also watched two ants doing their best ‘To me, to you’ Chucklebrothers impression with a dead insect. Ants are quite simply amazing and obviously watching them live their lives like machines, like ninety percent of humanity, is something people need to see and realise. Break free people, we’ve been given conscious thought, use it.

·         I’ve had fleas, ticks and ringworm and have thoroughly enjoyed every moment of it

·         I learnt a little about patience but also about anger. I learnt that in general the Nepali are inherently good people but there are a few who I would have no qualms about stabbing in the face. The man who refused to give me my departure stamp, as I was three days over my visa, unless I extended for the minimum fifteen days and paid the fine, not to mention the ridiculous exchange rate, and smugness and ‘not my problem’ attitude. He’s a man who brings out my base Scorpio instinct with its sting in the tail. He got a piece of my mind, as did the American who suggested I lacked an understanding of karma. This as all in contrast to the first Indians I met, the army, who gave me lots of water and then stopped a motorbike for me and told the driver to take me to the immigration office, wait and then take me to the bus station. Good Indians, bad Nepali.

·         Of course I did other things like go up to the villages where I got the shits from dodgy Chang, which is rice beer. I learnt how to make chapatti, pasta (!) and bamboo chillums among other things. Or the time I walked up the Peace Pagoda in bare feet like a pilgrim or the time I got the craziest lift with a truck driver who was racing his friend at night on a windy road. And of course I relaxed, why fight Pokhara’s energy.

Obviously there were more things done but I can’t really remember certain parts of the last two months, a bit of a blur to me. I wonder now if you could indulge me, like you have done before, and listen to my thoughts on a few things, namely travel, actually kind of only about travel.

I feel I’ve got a lot from these last two months and that I’m heading in the right direction. I’m excited about now, the present, but also about the future which promises so much. For me, life with travel is a life with substance. I told someone once that I planned on travelling until I was about thirty, at which point he enquired what I would then do and I said I had no idea. Although he confessed to wanting to travel he went on about wanting something to show for it all. I told him that by then he may have one hundred thousand pounds in the bank but that I would have had one hundred thousand experience and therefore memories. I realise now though that it’s about so much more, that it’s about discovery and learning and adventure. How can you really ever know who you are until you’ve experienced who you’re not, the same goes for what you like or don’t like. Thankfully that boy, who I love very much, is now doing the two things I know make him happy; making good money and travelling, throw in the third too which is most likely having sex with a lot of women and I think there’s every chance he’s now living his perfect life.

Now one of his reasons for not travelling was a very common one; that he had commitments and couldn’t afford to go off and travel. Well he still has most of those commitments and as he’s working so evidently money is being provided for him. My point is people always come up with excuses in life for why they can’t do things, myself included, or they say it just isn’t possible right now but they will in the future. We don’t know the future but what we do know is the present.

Another friend once said ‘The only thing holding you back in life is yourself’. Take the chance, one will reveal itself. Just to prove what wise friends I have I’ll quote another, ‘it’s not the chances we get in life that define us; but the choices we make’.

On that note I’m off to enjoy India.

First impressions India

A beautiful girl told me just the other day, 'Once you enter India, India enters you'. It's been twenty years but I've finally returned, and the closer I got to the border the more I could feel her. I like this place, it has an energy which Nepal was lacking and while I thoroughly enjoyed my time there; I already know this is going to be different.

I've just arrived in Almora after an eight hour bus journey, a twenty hour journey the day before and a seven hour journey two days before that. Since I arrived here I've been buzzing and it's most likely because I'm beyond tired, but I'm putting it down a little to India's energy working on me and also the fact it's a full moon today. I'm thinking of spending a couple of days here before heading to the Valley of Flowers and then walking barefoot up some mountain I forget the name of with pilgrims

I'll let you know how it goes. I'm going to bed

Lazy, idle or an un-healthy mix of the two?

I've come to a conclusion that there is a massive difference between laziness and idleness. Those who are idle tend just not to do much; they see the beauty in doing nothing but working hard on something when they  finally do. Laziness on the other hand is a symptom of people who just can't be arsed to do anything. They fail to see the simple beauty in doing nothing yet continue doing nothing and then complain about being bored. For me it's a lack of artistic intelligence and appreciation in the simple. I'm aware it's maybe not the best description but fuck it; right now it'll do for me.

What I would like to do is therefore reassure people that I am anything but lazy and that my lack of any tangible writing is simply a result of my fervent belief in the idle. Is one piece of writing in two months acceptable i ask, well no would be a obvious answer. In my defense I have been busy; I've been following the universe, or at least learning how to follow the universe to maximum effect and it's been fun. I've been having adventures and I've been sitting around doing nothing; both of which have bought me joyous levels of satisfaction, but both of which have got in the way of me doing any writing. I need to find balance in my life and I'm slowly starting to see and understand how.

I leave Nepal in just a little over a week and then I head down to India. This I am looking forwards to immensely and although I love this country it'll be good to have finally got past this place; seven months is a long time. I plan on writing a little piece on my last two months, telling you all what I've been up to whether it interests you or not, before I leave but first I just wanted to write something.....anything.....

I hope those who did read my other posts and enjoyed them haven't forgotten about me. Ceri I see you are my first minion, I must thank you for this, and as some wise people once said; 'well come'.

It's good to be back....

Namaste Nepal

My plan was to do a little piece saying goodbye to Scotland and how I'm going to miss lover black pudding, my dirty little habit in an otherwise ethically sound life. I was then planning on doing a little piece encompassing my goodbyes and my first thoughts on returning to Nepal. Again, I didn't get off my arse / I was really busy or had a million and one things to do or something else along those lines. My latest idea was to give update on first few days back and update people with news of those few they may be interested in knowing something about. but yet again....you get the point.

What I'm going to give you now is a combination of them all but in a concise a way as possible for something who loves a good waffle.

Scotland it was great to see you, and black pudding it was great to eat you. Although I failed miserably with seeing people; those who I did see it was great to see you and those who I didn't quite manage to see I'm really sorry but a mixture of having no money and being really busy /. million and one....o you get the point. Arse should be involved somewhere in that last one but I think more for talking out of it. The gist is that I love you all.

It was strange coming back; I had more fears returning than I did when I originally arrived. I like to think we are only scared of what we don't know / understand, or our irrational fears. For those in the know, remember; there are no tigers. But I knew what to expect and and was more nervous of it than when I simply didn't have a clue what to expect. I am to a degree destroying my argument but when you have no idea what to expect what can you be scared of. I'm sure you get the point.

Like everything though, I had faith and it just came to me. I love the universe, it has my best interests at heart. I met some lovely people on the plane and had none of the boredom and loneliness of first two nights in Kathmandu like I had had eight months previously, actually it may be seven months but for the love of me I can't work it out. I won't go into too much detail but everything worked out perfectly and as I have thought to myself on more than one occasion in the last few days; 'Universe thank you and I love you'

It's the first morning I love the most. Not when you first wake but when you first role over and open your eyes, remembering exactly where you are. When you feel the heat, smell the aromas and dirt in the air, and hear the new noises of your new environment with your fresh intact morning senses not yet acclimatised to their new surroundings. That's got to by my favourite part, I just love it.

I'm going to update a little now so this may not be interesting to some but hopefully will to others. My first night back in Pokhara, sitting in The Laughing Buddha, as if I would be anywhere else, and who walks in? Yes, that would be Sam. If you ever meet Sam, you don't forget Sam. He reminds me a little of an animal, a little animal. I don't want to say a rat because they have such a back reputation and I that wouldn't be fair on him. He's Sri Lankan when asked by people trying to sell him things and British to everyone else. He's been traveling India for the last three years and is already a lifer so is full of stories and plenty of dark black humour.He smokes, he smokes a lot. He is a character if ever there was one; so all in all, it was very good to see him and has meant a few interesting times in my first few days back in Pokhara.

The Buddha hasn't change. Mira and Imram still have the same constant illnesses they previously had, Prakash is still Prakash and Rheka is still cheeky, rude and friendly in equal doses. The look of utter joy on Rheka's face when she saw me and gave me a big hug made my day. The look of utter sorrow on Imram's face when I realised I'd forgotten all about getting him that bottle of Laphroig I had drunkenly one night promised him then subsequently forgotten all about destroyed my day. I hoped for a Rheka esc look of joy on Mira's face when I gave her the moisturiser she'd requested, this would be the thing that will turn my fortunes I thought, but after I refused to accept money for the present I was greeted with an Imram esc look. She apologised profusely, almost not accepting it. I left there feeling bad for not getting Imram anything and bad for getting Mira something. You just can't win.

I'm going to leave it with a little on my dear friend Krishna. He worked in Laila's, a dark dingy little bar with comfy chairs and thanks to my previously mentioned friend a constant supply of smokable substances if that was your thing. It's almost impossible to describe the man without the use of impressions; both verbal and physical. Using both you'd easily be accused of over-exaggerating but I assure you it would be anything but. His high pitched voice; his shrug of the shoulders and his 'Why like this bhaiya?' Over the course of the five months I was here previously he went from a sober character to being in a constant state of stoned and pissed. This sadly was a boy who could not handle the money his new career as a drug dealer had provided him. Admittedly he became more fun but I could still see it only going one way and unfortunately it went that exact way. One night quite recently he got himself into a loud argument in the street. The police got involved and after the inevitable body search, found hash on in. That wasn't a major problem but the nine kilo's they found at his home obvious was. His bhakshish (bribe) has been set at 100,000 rupees, which is the best part of a thousand pounds, a sum of money nobody round here has. He's going to jail for a long time, god knows what a Nepali jail and the daily bamboo massage's are going to do to him. I am genuinely sad about it as he was a character but more importantly in his own little way he was a good person.

                                               In honour of Krisha Surname Unknown